Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Like Energy And Water

SassiePup: Why aren't you holding me?
What a day! I wish I could write down every little nuance for posterity's sake, but it would only give me a headache to retell it. A few weeks ago, someone told me August was going to be busy for me. I had no idea. Calendars and friendly advice should come with warning labels, I'm just saying.

I managed to get some writing done last night and this afternoon, so all is well on that front. And a few hours ago, I found someone to commission for a book cover. If I go that route. Their art style fits the tone of the book. I just hope I can afford them. Again, if I go that route. I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do with this project yet.

There is just so much going on right now. I woke up this morning with an eczema flare up on my right thumb. It happens when I'm stressed. It looks like a simple blister, but it feels like a combination of fire ant bites and a paper cut. So much fun.

To add to all the chaos of daily living, I firmly believe I've hit a transformative period in my life. What's bad is that I've been hiding from it. I've been resisting change. I like routine and sameness, and being able to go somewhere after twenty years to see it is the same as it was the last time I visited. Sameness comforts me, even though I realize lack of change, lack of growth and movement, is counter productive. I know life is about change, but I am who I am. It's hard for me to embrace big changes, especially when they come at me suddenly and unexpectedly.

Our personal energy is like water. If you let that energy have its way, it flows around all obstacles, and you emerge from the negativity faster. Try to withhold the flow, and it can be like trying to contain a tempest in a teacup. It doesn't work.

I've really got to learn to not be so resistant to change. I must learn to let go, no matter how painful it is. No matter how afraid I am. I need to be like energy and water, and flow around my obstacles so I can emerge to a better place.

For years I've had a very good "friend" who is not shy about coming to me when she needs something. We have been through thick and thin together. We know one another's darkest secrets. We've had great times, and have also shared one another's personal tragedies. I love her like a sister. However, these days whenever I try to talk to her in passing she is always too busy for me. She expects me to share, but she will not share with me in return. Although I have not said anything, I have caught her lying to me more than once, and several times when I've tried to approach her with friendly conversation, she has acted haughty and defensive with me, like I am going to try to take something from her.

I know she is going through a lot right now, but there has never been a period in our friendship where I have not given or shared everything I have with her. If it was within my power to help her, I did. These changes are disturbing to me. She has begun to treat our relationship like a competition, and I am not a competitive person. I never have been. I am me. I have nothing to prove to anyone. What you see is what you get.

In recent years, when I stopped by to chat with her, she has said to me, "Look, can't you see I just really don't want to talk to you right now?" Ouch. I admit it. Her attitude shocked and hurt me. Well, I guess I understand. She had friends in higher places to entertain. And yet, the minute this gal has a problem she can't solve, where are those other friends? Who does she end up calling on for help?

What is that saying? Help someone once and they'll remember you the next time they're in trouble. Yes. It's like that. This person has been using me for more years than I should ever have allowed. It's a shame, because I heart her to bits, but it's past time to let her go. Our journeys are not the same. At some point we must choose what we want for ourselves. I am who she chooses only when she has no other options, and I don't like that. I choose to populate my inner circle of close friends with people who are my friend all the time. Not just when it suits them to be friends with me.

I'm sorry if this hurts her feelings, should she actually read this. I don't think she has ever been a reader of my blog, but of course, as soon as I'd say that, she would decide to drop by. If I could tell her anything right now, for she is not currently speaking to me, this is what I'd say: I release you. May your chosen path fulfill your desires, and bring you happiness. With that said, I dust off my feet and move on without looking back.

Topic change. Tonight after I get my 2k in on this wip, I have to sort through all the laundry and figure out what I'm taking with me to New Orleans. I may have to go buy a couple of tank tops for the trip. While it's hot here in North La, I know it's gonna be steamy hot down south. It's gonna be tank tops, shorts, flip-flops, and comfy stuff on this trip, so when I come back with photos, don't expect any glamour shots. Ha!

That's all for now. I have a few errands to take care of, and after that...more writing! Writing, more writing, more writing. So exciting, right? What can I say, other than I'm a creature of habit. ;o) Happy Tuesday, y'all.

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